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Mr. Self-Destruct

Down in a hole

I was trying to help Doctor K understand, and I’d come up with a pretty good analogy for it—so good I suddenly felt the warm and tinglies, and I believe my soul may have smiled a little.

“It’s like a huge hole, all the way down into the earth—miles and miles down. Well, on those bad days, you know, I’m down there in that hole. I’m at the bottom and, more importantly, I know what it’s like at the very bottom. But I can also see the sky from down there. When I look straight up out of that hole, there’s the sky, you know—just a little circle of light, the palest blue sometimes, white other times, white-hot like the sun.

“And on the good days, like today(1), I’ll be standing on the lip of that hole, looking straight down. But I can’t ever see the bottom from way up there. Not even close. And that’s what it’s like—that’s exactly what it’s like. I’m sitting here trying to describe how I feel during those times, like the really really really bad times, and I can’t. That level of sadness is foreign to me now, something I don’t understand. I can’t see bottom anymore. The way is too deep and too dark.

But that doesn’t ever stop me from falling down there some days.”


(1) Yesterday, the thirteenth. Around two o’clock in the afternoon. I was feeling pretty good, pretty chipper, yesterday the thirteenth at two o’clock in the afternoon. But now it’s Friday night, about a minute before midnight, and things aren’t all that chipper anymore. I’m alone and I don’t want to be alone. So what I’m going to do is I’m going to do the healthy thing, what all the experts advise, and I’m going to show up at the gym like I have been for the past month and I’m going to throw around the weights and O.D. on a natural antidepressant and then I’m going to return home exhausted around three in the morning, swole and feeling pretty good about it, scramble up about four eggs (been going through eggs like crazy [and muscling up again] because, hey, when you’re constantly struggling to keep lethal doses of lorazepam or buprorion out of your mouth what the fuck does bad cholesterol matter?), nod off about five or six—when the sky’s just beginning to come to light—and maybe hopefully on the other side of sleep I won’t be so deep in the hole as I am right now. Lets cross our fucking fingers okay?



4 thoughts on “Down in a hole

  1. thanks for keeping me honest. Your description is really right on.

    Posted by Kyla | 06.15.13, 7:22 am
    • Yeah. There’s a good number of days I wish I didn’t know what I was talking about.

      You’re a good person, Kyla. I can tell. So thanks for sticking around, tolerating the smell of these dumb pissings on the wall.

      Posted by - user | 06.15.13, 3:40 pm
  2. This is exactly how I’ve been feeling for the past two years. Thank you for putting it into words.

    Posted by Robyn Mackenzie | 06.15.13, 8:36 pm
    • Hi Robyn, sorry to hear you’ve been sharing this feeling for two years. It is a grind, for sure. And though I’m definitely, 100% not the person who ought to be dishing advice on how to live a pretty and perfect life, I do know it helps to have somebody, even an internet somebody, to talk to. Hope you have a somebody like that.

      Posted by - user | 06.16.13, 5:24 pm

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